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The Life I Don't Understand
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| | Subject: | Hard | | Time: | 05:32 am |
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| Do you know how hard it is to be completely alone? Well, I suppose at one point or another in our lives we have all had that feeling. I think the worst part is having the experience of not being alone. Of thinking that there will be this person who could be there for you when you need someone....then losing that person. Whether it be that they graduate and move away, or that your relationship status has changed.
When I first broke away from home, I was immmensly excited about the prospect of starting over and beginning a new era of life. Five years later I'm tired and alone. Before I desired to have that romantic connection with someone, but without me even realizing it I was content with what I had. I had friends, really great friends....and then they left. They left I then I was alone. Clinging on to a couple of weaker friendships, waiting to pass the time until I could ...pardon my language...get the hell out of dodge.
Then rejection hit, I needed and highly desired to find another connection. Someone came along, I fought for that connection. I acheived that connection for a little while and then I lost it. Now I don't even know. I want arms that can hold me when I'm down in the dumps. I desire a connection...a connection I fear I'll never get.
At least I've learned a lesson...because I DO NOT want to jump into another relationship ever again. The emotions in the end hurt way too fuck'n much. I feel like its all my fault in the end.
BTW...sorry I haven't gotten ahold of you by phone. I've been so incredibly busy....this is the best I can do right now.
God Bless
~*~Trisha~*~ | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment   |
| What the crap? What the frick...what the crap ....frick frick frick. Go away, get away, leave me alone! Numb Numb Numb. LIAR! Stupid idiot slut whore. Guilt, depression. Why the crap? I know what you're doing....go away go away.
Shattered, shattered meaningless. Hopeless, wandering, lost....found. Invisible...need solid, want solid. REJECTED!!! Rejection, hurt pain anguish bleed can't. Cry, waek, depressed, sad, lonely....so lonely. Almost done near the end.
Want to end, finish, give up...give in...let go. Regret, don't regret. Fear, hate, scared, tears sad. Spiraling drowning SAVE ME! Leave me. Hate you, hate me....really hate me.
Knife, heart rip tear. Drown, sufficate, release. End...In the end it doesn't matter....in the end I don't matter. | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
| You know how some people randomly think about what their wedding day maight be like, for example hearing a song and then being like "That would be awesome to play at my wedding" well...thins is kinda like that..
I heard a song and I thought it would be perfect to be played at my funeral. Its from Linkin Park's new CD Minutes to Midnight.
Leave Out All the Rest by Linkin Park
I dreamed I was missing
You were so scared
But no one would listen
Cause no one else cared
After my dreaming
I woke with this fear
What am I leaving
When I'm done here
So if you're asking me
I want you to know
[Chorus]
When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed
And don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest
[End Chorus]
Don't be afraid
I've taken my beating
I've shared what I made
I'm strong on the surface
Not all the way through
I've never been perfect
But neither have you
So if you're asking me
I want you to know
[Chorus]
When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed
Don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest
[End Chorus]
Forgetting
All the hurt inside
You've learned to hide so well
Pretending
Someone else can come and save me from myself
I can't be who you are
[Chorus]
When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed
Don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest
Forgetting
All the hurt inside
You've learned to hide so well
Pretending
Someone else can come and save me from myself
I can't be who you are
I can't be who you are
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If you haven't heard this CD you should. There are a couple of songs that are obvious political statements (which I personally think is cool) Although one of those obvious ones I just realized was...lol. The Little Things Give You Away, No More Sorrow and Hands Held High (which was the first one I was like 'dude...thats a political statement') I'm sure some of the other ones are too, but I haven't gotten around to reading all the lyrics and am just learning the lyrics from listening to the songs.
Anywho...have a wonderful month. :) | | comments: 3 comments or Leave a comment |
| Wow, its totally been like 10 million year since I last updated. Okay so maybe I'm slightly exaggerating, but it has been awhile. Summer was busy and boring and has left me with the crappiest going away present EVER! I've been getting steadily more and more sick since about Saturday. I mean on the outside everthing seems okay, but my body is becoming dehydrated and it seems as if the more water I drink the less my body holds. THis morning I woke up with a major stomach cramp...and when I say cramp I don't mean like PMS...it was like a Charlie horse in my gut. It has subsided since then *Thank God* but ohhhh it hurt sooo bad. I'm going to go to the on campus doctor after my 10:20 class...if the pain doesn't return. If the pain does return I will try to get in there sooner.
Anywho, so summer. I got a job working for a Kids Club and that has been pretty stink'n cool (IMO) it has its good days and bad days, but the kids seem to like me for some odd reason...weird kids. :)
I started HP7 the other day and am about 1/2 way through. Totally blowing off studying for the final exam for my summer class. I'll start tomorrow...don't really feel up to it right now.
Um yea...so I don't really have that much more to speak of...save for the fact that it is soo weird not having some of my friends here this year. I miss them soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much! I feel like my social comfortable-ness has slipped into a shy person. Dude its Freshmen year all over again! Grrr...lol
Well, I'm gonna sign off. Maybe I'll tell more stories later, but for now I want to continue reading HP7.
Toodles!!!
~*~Trisha~*~
*edit* Random observation...my three most recent entries have all been on the 29th of the month. That's kinda weird. Well, cya | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
| I promised that I would update next time I'm on and so here is an update of my summer thus far. I've applied at 3 different places and am in the interview process with two. Stupid wal-mart won't call me back. You know if you don't want me fine I don't want you :P
anywho. This Saturday there is an outdoor concert festival in Snyder which is about an hour and a half from Lubock. Skillet is their last act and I'm excited. YAY. Already bought the tickets and Sarah and I are going on Sat. to see it. YAY.
I have an interview tomorrow with WPS. I'm excited about that. Pray for me please. :)
This will definitely be an exciting summer. I'm going to go ahead and scoot off the net. Luv y'all and miss you tons. God Bless.
~*~Trisha~*~ | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| I discovered this place and it has a movie quote generator that you can add words or names into and it will produce a movie quote with that word or name in it....so I had some fun.
Elementary, my dear Trisha (so suiting IMO)
Houston, we have a Trisha (love it)
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...but what of my friends??
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They may take away our Corina, but they'll never take our freedom! (Don't take my Corina away)
Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to Monica. (sad...but true..j/k)
And for an hour, for an hour - I'm the best Courtney in the world... (she is that on most days)
....Family???
May the Mom be with you. (no comment)
Father to a murdered son. Husband to a murdered wife. And I will have my Jordan, in this life or the next. (what will you do with your Jordan?)
I have always depended on the kindness of Tammy.(I think it would be best for you to no do that)
I say we take off and nuke the entire Bryan from orbit. (poor Bryan)
I'm a g*d*** marvel of modern Jade. (it works...yea...edited the words)
....and once more for measure.
You can't handle the Trisha! (lol...perfect to end on) | | comments: 3 comments or Leave a comment |
| So asides from sleeping in till nearly noon I had a pretty busy Friday. 2:15 I went to play practice where we went through all the scenes that we could wioth the people who were there. I went to Wal-Mart afterwards to get some stuff to make Queso and then went to a LOA dinner thing. Left there at about 8:30ish to pick Tracy up and go listen to Anthony A. perform at Sugarbrowns. The place was insanely crowded and Tracy and I left after an hour.
At 11pm I picked Amber up from work and we went to the SUB because we planned a late night hang out time with LOA and Kyodai. Well, when we got there (approx. 11:30) not many people were there and it was only LOA right then. I noticed they needed cups so Amber and I ran (aka took my car) and went to Wal-Mart. When we got back more people were there and Josh was there too. Shortly after Adam and Tyler showed up and Tyler wanted to play air hockey, so I played (I like air hockey)
Well, before Tyler and I played air hockey he was on the phone with someone and alittle while after we started playing John showed up. Well, Tyler beat me...then I played Jill and won.
Well, when I finished that game Josh had the Kyodai guys that were there (himself, Tyler, Adam and John) at the ping-pong tables to play a game of Oklahoma (spl?) and me and Amber joined in. We played OK for at least an hour (My feet are still sore) At one point it was down to me and John and I overshot the table and lost. It made me a little sad. Then the next game I wasn't thinking and ended up being behind him ..meaning he served to me (dern it) but he served nice to me. :) The games of OK were the most fun I had yesterday...well...technically they were today as well. I'll get back to you if they were the most fun of today later.
I have my RA interview tonight at 11:50p I'm fairly confident about it. I talked to Best Anne about some of my ideas and she liked them alot...the only thing was that they were ideas for if I was CY RA....which is not my first preference.
I'm going to stop now before I write a novel.
Everyone have a wonderful day.
LUV,
~*~Trisha~*~ | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Subject: | 3:40am | | Time: | 02:38 am | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/moonsis/stars/green/sick_sg.gif) nauseated |
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| I have absolutely nothing to do right now. I was scheduled to sleep, but the person who was supposed to sit 3-6 has not shown up and cannot be reached. So looks like I'm here until 6. I was looking forward to near 5 hours of sleep, but it looks like 2 will have to suffice. I knew I should have brought a small snack...dern it. oh well.
Had Texas Roadhouse last night for dinner (YUM) and filling. My MP3 player is taking FOREVER to charge. Five hours my butt. Its been charging for like 6 now and it's not even half way there. Anyways, I'm gonna go for now.
TTYL. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| "Nobody is themselves when they start dating. Dating is just acting like your somebody your not until the person likes you enough, so you could show them who you really are." -- J.D. from Scrubs
I can think of several occasions where that is not necissarily true, but at the same time several instances where it is. Sad...yet true. I think it's a fear thing. We want this love so we fear being rejected for who we really are. So people would rather be accepted for who they're not than rejected for who they are.....hmmm
That is all.
~*~Trisha~*~ | | comments: Leave a comment |
| I'm sitting desk 3-8am so I figured that I could spend a good deal of that time catching up on random on-line things that I have neglected.
During my 3 hour sleep I had a dream involving the guy I have a cruch on (I know...I feel like I'm in high school. AUGH). He was helping me with my make-up for follies. He knew a way to keep my lip-stick color from fading and he put lotion on my lips (some got in my mouth *ugh*) and then proceeded to put red eye shadow on my lips. Then I had this non-existent peice of cosutme jewlery that looked like a crown, but it was a necklace. It was broken and he said he could fix it, so he worked on it and after he fixed it he said that he would charge LOA $25 because that's how much ir cost to fix it. I don't remember much after that save for him going into the guys bathroom.
Anyways. Some of my friends came to see follies. I know our show isn't going to win, but this follies was made better by the fact that I had friends out there to support me. I know that in that crowd there was at least one...maybe two people who were there to watch because I was in it...and the tickets were free. That makes me feel incredibly loved. I love my friends...they ROCK!
I believe that is all I have to write on today.
God bless,
~*~Trisha~*~
Is life really worth living if there is not more of a meaning behind life than just mere existence? | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | I got a 92 on my 6 page Human Diversity paper!!! There were only two people who recieved As in the entire class and a third of the people failed. I feel very capable now. :-D | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| I just watched High School Musical for the first time. It was the pop-up version. It was really good in my opinion, but it just ended...there was no closure...it just ended. I mean the ending number was really good, and good for a closing, but I felt like the story line should have developed further. It just ended after the audition, what about the actual musical?
Anywho...yea...that is all I have to say. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| I finally get to sleep early. I was going to get at least 6 hours of sleep, but at 11:30 our RA comes over being really loud and knocks on my door and is suprised that I was asleep. It's 11:30 at night...what is she doing making rounds at that time of night? Anywho, I needed to ask Monica something so, I asked Monica and then she says "Since you're up can you fill out this form?" So I do.
By the time I'm done I'm completely awake and I try to go back to sleep, but I could hear here on the otherside of the courtyard. I asked her nicely to be quiet and she said "OK". I went back to my room and laid down...and I could sill hear her. Then someone decides to take a shower at midnight, and my room is right next to the bathroom. The shower almost lulled me into sleep, but I shifted positions and was wide awake again. I've been awake since...and it wouldn't be so bad but right now...I have a headache and it hurts ALOT! I can go lie down in a few minutes.
That is all the venting I have to do.
Have a wonderful day all.
~*~Trisha~*~ | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Subject: | Happy | | Time: | 06:44 am | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/moonsis/stars/green/happy_sg.gif) happy |
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| | Vietnam makes me happy. I'm going to try to go back in the summer. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| Artist: Cranberries Lyrics
Song: Just My Imagination Lyrics
There was a game we used to play
We would hit the town on friday night
And stay in bed until sunday
We used to be so free
We were living for the love we had and
Living not for reality
It was just my imagination x3
There was a time I used to pray
I have always kept my faith in love
It’s the greatest thing from the man above
The game I used to play
I’ve always put my cards upon the table
Let it never be said that I’d be unstable
It was just my imagination x3
There is a game I like to play
I like to hit the town on friday night
And stay in bed until sunday
We’ll always be this free
We will be living for the love we have
Living not for reality | | comments: Leave a comment |
| Something That Makes Me Sad...
Is when people feel they have the right to condemn someone to Hell for a sin they struggle with. We all have sins that we struggle with. Sins that we commit, knowingly or not, within our everyday lives. To say someone is going to Hell for something they have done is saying that you don't believe in the redeeming power of God's love. We have no right to sit there and hate on...anyone...
Something else that hurts my heart (and I really mean nearly evertime it happens I feel a small pain in my chest like my heart just got ripped a little) is when people will look at someone and just because they may look a certain way or dress a certain way...or for some shallow reason that coincides with appearance will make some sort of comment or disgusted noise towards that person. That breaks my heart so much. Are we so fixated on things like that that we will not even give a person a chance past what our first impressions of them may be....wait don't answer that I think it may hurt to hear the answer.
I know I don't have much room to talk for I have done similar things before...and THAT hurts me a million times more than witnessing others do it in the here and now.
God bless,
~*~Trisha~*~ | | comments: Leave a comment |
| I was looking back on some of the things that I had written in the past. Past entries where I just pretty much laid out raw emotions and now my entries have become guarded. I think it is because people know who I am. The whole point of an on-line journal was getting out how I felt without having to worry about people giving me strange looks because of something I wrote, but I have long abandoned that. It helps to be able to get it out. At the same time I think that my mind has gotten to a point where it just wants to stop analysing how I feel. My emotions just fuse together in one large emotion blob. I don't know what I feel anymore. I am almost becoming numb to things that I used to not be. Don't get me wrong...I care...at least I think I do...I think it is more like I care and catring hurts so I blur the care....yea...didn't think it made any sense whatsoever.
I read my entry for...I think it was March 6th 2004 that the entry was dated...I was angry. Part of me wants to cry right now for so many reasons...my heart is breaking a little...
I am going to go now. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| Raul had a thing similar to this posted on his xanga. It is a survey of sorts you go to the link and choose no less than five words and no more than six that you think describe me. I think it will be fun ti see what other people think of my personality in contrast to what I think of my own personality. Thanks
http://kevan.org/johari?name=Trisha+DeMoss
Love,
~*~Trisha~*~ | | comments: Leave a comment |
| ( My Interests Collage! )
Also, Raul had a thing similar to this posted on his xanga. It is a survey of sorts you go to the link and choose no less than five words and no more than six that you think describe me. I think it will be fun ti see what other people think of my personality in contrast to what I think of my own personality. Thanks
http://kevan.org/johari?name=Trisha+DeMoss
Love,
~*~Trisha~*~ | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| On Saturday I am leaving for LA, then on the fifth I am boarding a plane and flying to Vietnam. Nervous you ask...HECK YES...but if I wasn't nervous about going then I'd be concerned. I just need to focus on the here and now and *takes deep breath* suck it up.
I ask that you all please pray for me and the group I am traveling with. Their names are:
Corina Argullin
Jacob Herbold
Colter Cox
Adam Nelderberg
Kristen Ailing
Heather Bright
Teisha Carroll
Brittni Gilmore
Stephanie Ramsour
Spread the word for prayers. God is amazing and I know he will keep us all protected.
I love all of you and I pray you have a wonderful remainder of the summer.
Much love,
~*~Trisha~*~ | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
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The Life I Don't Understand
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